I don’t understand myself, really. How is it possible that I can be really happy, and really sad all at the very same time? Lately, it’s been a struggle to get my emotions straightened out and I have accumulated so much fear and uncertainties inside my head that I think I might explode. I don’t know what changed me, neither do I know why I’m behaving this way. All I know is that I can wake up feeling happy, and with one flick of some switch in my brain and I’d feel really sad. It’s not that I want to be this way, it just acts up. I don’t have words to put with my thoughts, so all my body’s doing reacting to how I’m feeling is just releasing tears. I don’t know what I’m so afraid of, but I’m tired of feeling this way.

Recently, I had strange feelings come and go. I’ve seriously been having doubts about my capability to love. Considering that there’re things have been weighing my mind lately, I feel like it’s been affecting the way I love and how I look at many things. The truth is, I have a lot of things to say. A l o t. And every time I have the need to say whatever’s going on in my head, I can’t. I hold myself back and try to wedge the thoughts somewhere. But lately, the space is running out, and I constantly have the urge to scream into my pillow, hoping that it’ll all go away.

I look into the mirror and all I see is an ugly person. Both inside and outside. Me one year ago didn’t behave this way, Me three years ago didn’t either. Perhaps it’s because i’m growing older, but i’ve definitely been feeling less and less attractive. Not just in terms of looks, but my character on the inside as well. I told myself as the start of the year, that this year was going to be different, this year’s the year i’m gonna try and make a difference. But nothing’s happening. I no longer feel kind, and I no longer feel like i have any empathy. Basically, I kinda detest the way I am now.

I don’t want to deal with any of these. It hurts so much. I get anxious, I feel breathless and I keep asking myself whats wrong, but I can’t seem to form a proper answer. All that’s going on in my head is “I’m not good enough.” What does it take to be good enough?????????? Everyday, I make sure to give my all, to put in as much effort as I can, towards the relationship and towards my work. But somehow I don’t think it’s working. Am I not doing enough??????